The Forgotten Post

So I am finally posting this . . . I wrote this on July 25 after returning from a fast trip to Kansas for the 1ID Memorial Dedication . . .

Closure?
Okay so I mentioned I had news to write about so here goes.

As Jenny and I drove away from the dedication she asked me, "since you have been waiting for this day and it is now over do you feel any sort of closure?" I had no idea how to answer that and then it came to me. I did feel closure and I knew that it was time for me to move on with life. Several things hit me when I said those words . . .

. . . I never say move on but instead always say move forward . . . I will never forget the life that I had with Sean but for me it is time to focus my energy on what lies ahead instead of what could have lied ahead . . . make sense since I know this is not correct grammar? I think I have spent the better part of the last 3-4 years thinking about what my life should/could have been instead of what it has been. Will my life ever be what it was? I have no idea . . . I know that I desire to not feel guilty or depressed about what has happened to our family so I need to learn to live with that and make the necessary changes . . . talk about moving mountains. As the conversation changed I still thought about what Jenny asked me . . . could this be closure? My head started spinning with her question and I could not put my thoughts into words. I think it could have been. She was right that I had thought about this day for so long and now it was over. I guess it was sort of a marker or milestone for me. While I know that there might always be tidbits that bother me they are what they are and if I dwell on them then I will probably be miserable . . . man my grammar is horrible right now!

After I met my pen pal on the drive home I thought about what we talked about and I realized just how far I had come . . . I am not the same person I was 4, 3, or even 1 year ago . . . somewhere along the way I changed without realizing it. In fact I think in the last 2-3 months I have changed for the better . . . I have thought about the future and the present and it feels good. As we drove home I realized how happy I was to be out and about with Colin . . . it was not the vision of a typical family vacation but on our drive home it was just so much fun . . . I loved spending time with him and doing fun things . . . that is what life is about.

I know that several times I have talked about how I so hate all those stupid sayings like . . . time heals all wounds or everything happens for a reason, but you know what it does or it has for me . . . okay so the second one is just stupid but the first one is sort of true. Now I NEVER thought I would ever ever ever be saying this . . . but I think deep down inside that as the months tick away I am learning to deal with my grief and have healed along the way. Maybe it has happened earlier and I have just not wanted to accept it.

It amazes me that as I type this I feel like a load has been lifted from my back . . . I guess this is sort of like my 'coming out' or just being down right honest. I am sure I will still have some of those days but that is natural. As many things as I have read about grief and as many times as I have laughed at how silly and how out of touch they seem . . . well, they are sort of true and someone really sort of knows what they are talking about. LOL!

Now I need to go out and learn to make friends . . . why do I feel like I am 13 trying to make friends. I am a what you see is what you get kind of person.

. . . I will write a follow-up in the next few days.