Black Monday

I keep hearing that today is 'black Monday' . . . where all the internet sites have great sales but I have always thought of it being Black Monday for another reason. Sean's funeral was the Monday after Thanksgiving.

I remember it being a very long day . . .

I remember sitting in the hotel room in my robe with my wet hair watching television and hearing about a helicopter crashing. My heart sank because I knew that some other ladies would soon be joining me as a 'widow'. Ironically, this helicopter crashed not far from where my parents live and where Colin and I would be living too. Over the last two years I have become friends with one of the ladies who lost her husband . . . she is so funny and I wish she would not have moved to NC.

I remember sitting there thinking that if I did not get dressed the events would not happen and therefore Sean must still be in Iraq.

I remember Jon D. stopping by my room early to make sure I was on time and to take me for the very last time to see Sean. I wanted to freeze that moment because it was the end so to speak.

I remember that we were whisked away from the funeral home by police escort and were at St. Mary's in a couple of minutes . . . my heart sank when we pulled up and I saw news cameras, how could they invade such a private moment? I must admit they were very discreet and kept their distance never once approaching me.

I remember my knees become weak as I walked down the long aisle of St. Mary's . . . there were so many people. I felt frail. I must have been as pale as a ghost and had lost a lot of weight.

I remember how beautiful the songs sounds and the singers were amazing. I missed my favorite, Ave Maria, because they sang it before Sean and I entered. I know he would have approved of the music.

I remember the drive to the cemetery because so many stopped their cars and stood on the median with their hands on their hearts or their caps/hats removed.

I remember looking at the Honor Guard from Fort Hood and how young they looked. I knew they hated being there but were honored to remember Sean.

I remember seeing and hugging many familiar faces that I had not seen in years.

I remember how silent it was and that I heard a camera clicking.

I remember thinking that the stupid tent was getting on my nerves and wished that I had told them to not put one over the grave.

I remember the General stepping on the two roses I brought to place on top of Sean's casket. It was a tight area so no harm done . . . it made me laugh.

I remember how glad I was when it was over but how heartbroken I felt.

I remember how tiny Colin was and my heart hurt for what he was going to miss the rest of his life.

I remember going back to the hotel because I was exhausted. I was ready to go home but not face reality.

I remember today and every day, always . . .