November 13, 2004

My day began on a good note. Colin got great sleep last night and woke up in a great mood. The weather was not great but the roads were clear of snow. We loaded up and hit the road for last minute Christmas shopping in Neustadt. It was cold and clear outside, but I still drove slow. I got about 10 miles from the house and had a funny feeling. I continued to drive, all of the sudden there was a heavy snow flurry. A couple of minutes later something told me to turn around and go home. It was a weird feeling that I have never experienced before. So I turned around in the Diska parking lot and headed home. As I walked in the house, the phone rang . . .

I hate to admit what I am about to write but it is the sad truth. I had received many phone calls that were "official notification" through the chain of concern, and I always hated them, but today it really changed my outlook. Usually the first thing I would think is it is only a single soldier. That sounds so horrible . . . like since they were single their life did not matter. They too have family; mother, father, brother, sister, etc . . . I guess in my mind a married soldier with/without children would just seem worse.

I answered the phone . . . it was a couple of minutes past 11. It was Joy from the FRG with an official statement to read. It was your typical statement with the name, company, hometown. By this time the message had ended, I had to sit down and the first thing I said was, "that is my husband's XO . . . oh no he must be so upset." The official message was wrong . . . it had LT Iwan listed in HHC but I knew better.

LT Iwan was no longer a single soldier to me but family. I had never met him but had heard Sean talk about him. He would send Sean daily email updates of the company while Sean was in Texas on R&R. Sean really liked the guy. I was sick all day and worried too. What was my husband doing without his XO? How was he handling it emotionally? Was the company keeping it together? Were they being safe? I tried to figure out what to do . . . trying to find the address to the Iwan family to at least send a card and flowers but what else?

I was due for dinner with other wives of the battalion that night and knew the mood would be so different now. The battalion had already lost their CSM earlier in the week. I could not do anything but mope around the house and feel horrible.

It was almost 5, and I was hurrying around trying to get ready for the dinner. Patti just called and is running late so that gave me a little more time. I have everything ready and sitting by the door . . . the doorbell rings . . .

Shock! There are three men in their Class A uniforms at my door. My mind begins to become numb. They have to say nothing . . . nothing at all because every Army wife knows what that means. How could it be? I invited them in and sat in Sean's favorite chair. I passed Colin off to one of them. I knew two of the three and that made it somewhat harder. My entire body was starting to feel numb. I have never felt so numb and it is an undesirable feeling. My mind could not function . . . everything was a big cloud . . . I felt like I was talking but it was just a dream. I could not cry . . . I had to keep reminding myself to breath . . . I asked again, "are you sure?" Steven assured me . . . he had been Sean's room mate in Kosovo. I asked them to call my "wife" and Patti was on her way over already. My body was numb and starting to tingle . . . I started to breath very deep . . . I could not really function . . . I felt like a puppet . . . how could this be happening to me?

Jenny was called and Patti walked in the door . . . wine and snacks in hand . . . remember we were on our way to a dinner. The battalion commander's wife was coming down the steps with Colin . . . she looked at Patti and asked her if she knew why they were there? Sean and I had been friends with Patti's family since 2001. Her husband was Sean's boss at Range Control in Graf . . . we went to church together, out to dinner . . . yummy Thai Food! They were there as stand in godparents when Colin was baptized earlier in the year. Patti was one of two people I talked to all the time.

"My wife" Jenny arrived not really knowing why she was called to my house. She told me that she never thought it was going to be this. She thought that maybe Sean had been in a bad accident but never killed. Jenny knew Sean before I did . . . her husband and Sean were in ROTC together at Texas A&M. Jenny and I had some math and education classes together at A&M, but we never hung out together. We became great friends when our husbands deployed to Kosovo . . . we spent all our weekends together shopping (I miss H&M) and eating . . . talking on the phone for hours . . . talking about students that I had as 5th graders and she now had as 7th graders . . . she was there at the first doctors appointment that I got to see Colin on the ultrasound . . . my dinner date to the PX and food court. She was a big part of my life and this was a huge loss too. What we did not think about was how this was going to change out relationship. I lost so much more than just my husband. I lost my job, being an Army wife, friendships, but my best friend . . . it was so hard to imagine that everything I knew was over.

I wanted to know everything . . . how was Sean killed? I needed specific details and they were not able to give me that. It was very frustrating to know he was dead but not sure how. Was it instant? Did he send a last message to me . . . maybe one or two words? I wanted to know what time this happened, who was with him, was it hostile or just an accident . . . I continued to rattle off a million questions and got the same answer back . . . I don't know.

There was so much going on in my mind, and I had no idea what to do next. I needed my parents to come to Germany . . . it took me 5 hours to track them down, and they were on their way over the next day. How would Sean's parents be told? Should I call them? The next hours are a big blur . . . my head was spinning with information. I just turned it all over to Patti and Jenny . . . they would make good decisions. By now, the news had spread all over post and the phone started ringing. After my parents and Sean's family were notified, I sent out a one line email to or friends and family. I then went to bed to try and sleep . . . that last for about 4 hours.