November 5, 2004

I had a hard time sleeping last night. While Sean did not tell me where he was going, by watching the news I knew . . . one place I hoped he could avoid during his deployment. I knew he was leaving very early this morning for the journey to Fallujah . . . my mind was so foggy. I was very stressed about the situation Sean was about to encounter. I tried not to think about Fallujah, but it was always in the front of my mind. I found myself on the internet a lot more searching for articles and any news. I knew they had many embedded reporters so there might be some media coverage. What I didn't realize is that the majority of this operation was by the Marines and 2-2 was a small percentage of the soldiers. I think that is what confused me the most. I never realized that 2-2 would be leading the way so to speak. I never expected him to be out front . . . I should have know he would have because Sean always believed that a commander should lead from the front and not from a vehicle. I kept telling myself that no news is good news. I would have loved to hear his voice but wanted him to stay focused.

Last night I talked to Sean . . . little did I know it would be the last time. Our conversation was strange. I did not know what to say, and I could tell Sean did not want to worry me. Ironically, we talked about voting. So much would be determined by the elections that were to take place in January. We wondered if the people of Iraq would turn out to vote. I don't know if I would have risked my personal safety . . . only time would tell. Sean supported the mission in Iraq, and he supported President Bush. He really thought that what he was doing would make it a better place. He often talked about the people he meet while out in sector especially the kids. He was so excited that he had just voted in the Presidential election while proudly serving his country in Iraq. I must admit that I was not that good. He really gave me a hard time about not voting. He kept rubbing it in that he was at war and he took the time to vote. I felt bad that I was living the good life and did not fulfill my obligation to vote. Sean was proud that he had done his civil duty. Of course we talked about our pride and joy, Colin, and Sean just wanted to look at him on the screen via the webcam . . . he talked to Colin and I cried. I always had the webcam fixed so he hardly ever saw my face because it was a very emotional experience for me . . . he was missing so much in the life of our little boy . . . he was growing so fast. I can't imagine how hard it was for Sean to not be able to hold and kiss his little boy and that caused me great pain. I know that he would do everything he needed to do so he could come home to us. I could tell that he missed us. As the conversation came to an end it was so hard to say good-bye. I always think the worse possible thoughts, but I never knew they would come true. I told him that we loved him very much and give us a call when he got back to Camp Normandy. He never did.