Second Guessing
Over the years I have had to tell parents how not-so-wonderful their child may be or that their child has a learning problem. I know that if you are going to tell a parent something negative then you MUST find a positive too. All kids have positives. On the flip side I have had to listen to parents tell me that their child's negative behavior was my problem or that while their delinquent was at school under my supervision I had to deal with him or her; don't call them to complain. So today, I became one of 'those' parents.
Colin has a teacher and assistant in his homeroom class . . . the assistant hasn't been hired (or quit not really sure) so there is a substitute and the teacher has been sick since Tuesday. So they pulled the other 3 year old teacher to fill in for Colin's rooms instead of having 2 subs. And this is where my problems begin. I admit that I am not going to win any parent of the year award but I am doing the best I can. Tuesday the teacher approaches me and starts in . . . I might be stepping over the line but has Colin ever been in a day care before? And when you talk to Colin does he look at you and then wander off and do something else? I tell her yes he was in daycare from 2-10 months old and yes he does do what he wants but I figured it was just him being a kid and 3! She then tells me that this is not normal. By this point I feel myself turning three shades of red and my head is caring on a conversation . . . did she just tell me that a 3 year old not listening is not normal? She continues to tell me more crap but I am so flustered I have no idea what she is saying. I do remember telling her that Colin's father died 2 years ago and life has been anything but 'normal' for him but I am doing the best I can. I have not been the best when it comes to discipline but he is only 3 after all. She makes a comment, "Oh, it is just the two of you . . . I see then that might be part of the problem."
On Wednesday, they were at the playground so not time to tell what he did wrong . . . she did call him the wrong name twice which rubbed me the wrong way. I always learn my students names within a day or two and that can be 20-80 kids. I go today (Thursday), and she trots over with the sign out sheet . . . she informs me that Colin cried for an hour before, during, and after nap because he wanted chocolate milk and they can only give him white milk. I admit that is our routine at home so we will work on that one . . . just deal with it lady! Then tells me that he doesn't want to sleep during nap which is fine but he must stay on his nap pad . . . he would rather roam around the room and explore. Huummm, a new place with tons of fun stuff I can't imagine him wanting to do this? She asked if we could work on that at home too . . . NO, lady we can't. The kid has NEVER been a good sleeper and he is just now sleeping for 12 hours at night so that is probably why he doesn't want a stinking nap during the day. She then told me that he did not tell her he needed to use the potty and just stood there and went all over the floor . . . blah, blah, blah . . . he is only 3. Again, can you tell me something positive about my child because all these negatives are really making me upset. I mean can't he do something right, blow his nose? Put on his own shoes? Something, please. I mean he can't be that bad . . . it isn't like he is hitting or biting or screaming or pushing . . . maybe that is next week.
And on a positive note, he has been doing so good using the potty . . . he has only had one 'accident' all week (not counting night time)! Now that is huge since we haven't made a big effort on that until recently . . . see I told you I wasn't going to win any awards!
I can't wait for his regular teacher to return because she seemed so positive on Monday. I sure hope I made the right choice . . . how have some of you handled daycare and the negatives? I am trying to stay optimistic that it will get better. He seems to be enjoying himself which is good . . .
Colin has a teacher and assistant in his homeroom class . . . the assistant hasn't been hired (or quit not really sure) so there is a substitute and the teacher has been sick since Tuesday. So they pulled the other 3 year old teacher to fill in for Colin's rooms instead of having 2 subs. And this is where my problems begin. I admit that I am not going to win any parent of the year award but I am doing the best I can. Tuesday the teacher approaches me and starts in . . . I might be stepping over the line but has Colin ever been in a day care before? And when you talk to Colin does he look at you and then wander off and do something else? I tell her yes he was in daycare from 2-10 months old and yes he does do what he wants but I figured it was just him being a kid and 3! She then tells me that this is not normal. By this point I feel myself turning three shades of red and my head is caring on a conversation . . . did she just tell me that a 3 year old not listening is not normal? She continues to tell me more crap but I am so flustered I have no idea what she is saying. I do remember telling her that Colin's father died 2 years ago and life has been anything but 'normal' for him but I am doing the best I can. I have not been the best when it comes to discipline but he is only 3 after all. She makes a comment, "Oh, it is just the two of you . . . I see then that might be part of the problem."
On Wednesday, they were at the playground so not time to tell what he did wrong . . . she did call him the wrong name twice which rubbed me the wrong way. I always learn my students names within a day or two and that can be 20-80 kids. I go today (Thursday), and she trots over with the sign out sheet . . . she informs me that Colin cried for an hour before, during, and after nap because he wanted chocolate milk and they can only give him white milk. I admit that is our routine at home so we will work on that one . . . just deal with it lady! Then tells me that he doesn't want to sleep during nap which is fine but he must stay on his nap pad . . . he would rather roam around the room and explore. Huummm, a new place with tons of fun stuff I can't imagine him wanting to do this? She asked if we could work on that at home too . . . NO, lady we can't. The kid has NEVER been a good sleeper and he is just now sleeping for 12 hours at night so that is probably why he doesn't want a stinking nap during the day. She then told me that he did not tell her he needed to use the potty and just stood there and went all over the floor . . . blah, blah, blah . . . he is only 3. Again, can you tell me something positive about my child because all these negatives are really making me upset. I mean can't he do something right, blow his nose? Put on his own shoes? Something, please. I mean he can't be that bad . . . it isn't like he is hitting or biting or screaming or pushing . . . maybe that is next week.
And on a positive note, he has been doing so good using the potty . . . he has only had one 'accident' all week (not counting night time)! Now that is huge since we haven't made a big effort on that until recently . . . see I told you I wasn't going to win any awards!
I can't wait for his regular teacher to return because she seemed so positive on Monday. I sure hope I made the right choice . . . how have some of you handled daycare and the negatives? I am trying to stay optimistic that it will get better. He seems to be enjoying himself which is good . . .
posted by Heidi at 2/08/2007 09:00:00 PM
18 Comments:
Heidi,
I am not a teacher or a day care provider, but I was a full-time nanny for 5 families over a several year span, and am the mother of a toddler myself. THIS WOMAN IS NUTS! I think sometimes teachers and some parents expect kids to be little adults. Guess what, they're not! To me you sound like a fantastic mother (I've followed your blog for a while), and I don't think this woman has a good handle on reality. You said it, he could be much, much worse! Anyway, I hope his regular teacher returns soon, for both your sakes. Until then, don't let this lady get to you.
heidi,
dont let her get you down. Colin is three and as you know(being a mother and teacher) a child has to adjust to new surroundings. The potty training thing...he is in a new place and has to earn her trust and the fact that he knows to tell you..he does not know her...you are what he knows. as far as nap and stuff..you are right there is too much stuff to keep him busy. he sounds a bit like my 3 year old..he does not take naps and just started sleeping all night(more than 6 hours). It is just the fact that he is not just "lying there". He is fine..dont let them get you down. He is normal..a three year old has a attention span of a second...they just have too much else to see other than listen to you...it will get better as he learns the routine...mine did.....and remember try not to take her last comment to heart...We know what a sacrifice sean made and it was not your choice.you are a wonderful mom..she should be more sympathetic and give reassurance not criticism...hugs
Wow...I'm not a teacher, but I am a mom, and it really bothers me that this "teacher" had nothing but negatives to give you on what, his third day? My goodness, they need to at least give Colin a chance to adjust. Whether he had been in daycare or not, this is his first time in THIS daycare, and each place is different. Fortunately, I've had understanding teachers for both my kids from the time they were in preschool, and they were understanding of the circumstances we were facing. The comment, 'oh, it is just the two of you...I see then that might be part of the problem" - is a bit simplistic isn't it? It's a bit more than "being the two of you." I hope that once Colin's regular teacher comes back, it will be better. I did notice more of a problem with one particular teacher that my daughter had. She always had something negative to say, but never told me when A. had a good day. I do want to know when my kids are having a tough time, but I also want to know when they're doing well. Hang in there, Heidi. I think you're doing a GREAT job! I can't say that I'd be doing the same in your position...I question my parenting skills daily!
I'm really curious to know this teacher's qualifications and how long she's been working with 3-year-olds. I am a teacher (or I was before we moved to Vilseck where they don't need me) with an early childhood degree and this behavior sounds completely normal considering that Colin has not been in a day care setting before. COMPLETELY and TOTALLY NORMAL. You've already identified why--it's all new for him, he's an only child, he's 3--so don't second guess yourself. It sounds to me like she either she doesn't have a degree or she has one and knows enough to be dangerous. If I were you, I would be upset because that's just how I am but you truly have no reason for concern. Keep your chin up!
Heidi--
James always slept well at night, but stopped taking naps when he was 2. He always seems to have needed less sleep than me! The way we solved this was that the teacher had him lay down for 15 minutes, and then he could read books quietly on his mat for the rest of the time. It worked out well.
I'm sorry about this teacher. She sounds inexperienced. Some of the behaviors she mentions would be totally appropriate for a kindergarten child, not to mention a 3 year old. Yes--positives are in order! I hope the REAL teacher gets back soon!
Has her attitude towards Colin affected him at all?
Hang in there!
L (M.A. Educ :)
And yes, the English teacher has 2 errors in her comment. I've been "hanging out" in middle school too long!
Should read:
"the teacher had him lie down"
"He always seems to have needed less sleep than I."
Apologies to all the grammarians!
A blushing L
Heidi, you are a good mom. Don't let the teacher get to you too much. As you know, Asher just started preschool too and he is three also, so I think Colin is being a normal three year old. That teacher seems to have no empathy for your life. It's not easy being a single mom, especially the manner in which you became one...anyway, you know your kid better than anyone else, so you do what you think the right thing is to do. And if you have to, tell that to the "teacher." I hope Colin has fun! That's what matters :)
Gosh,
What a bad experience for you, but think how she must be treating Colin. I hope she is back where she belongs, or at least not affecting him. As a mother and grandmother I can tell you, and you probably already know this, a bad teacher can ruin a child's feeling for school for life. I saw it happen with one of my grandsons. I urge you to discuss this with the school management, this is not something to wait around on. He started out having a great time, that is the way it should be in his age group. And yes, she was way out of line on that one. AARRGH!
Heidi,
Reading this made me so angry! Please don't let that one teacher bring you down! Calling Colin the wrong name, greeting you only with negatives, asking the questions she asked based on just a day or two with Colin -- she sounds very inexperienced and maybe she's in the wrong profession if three-year-old behaviors annoy her so much. She may have been frustrated about having to switch rooms, but that's part of being a flexible caregiver who wants kids to have a warm happy successful day. I agree with Stephanie that you should talk to the director -- if no one lets the director know about caregiver's actions with families, there probably won't be any changes. And as for "just the two of you" being the problem -- that is one of the most ridiculous things I've heard. Lots of kids grow up with a single parent and turn out just fine; lots of kids grow up with two parents and have all kinds of problems. Any child would be lucky to have you as their mom! I personally prefer the spunkier kids -- they get so much out of life! I hope things improve when his regular teacher returns. Hang in there, Heidi, you are doing a great job with Colin -- Sean is proud of you both.
Sue
I agree with what the others are saying. I've had my share of those visits with teachers and more often than not it was because they wanted to put my child into that little "mold" they think ALL children that age should fit. From what I've read here, you're doing just fine and he's perfectly normal. And, since you are fortunate enough to have your extended family close, they would be much more likely to know if something was not quite right. My son is almost 17 and I'm not sure there's been a time when I was explaining something to him that he did NOT begin to gaze in another direction! Enjoy your little boy--he is a great gift!
Oye vey...
follow your heart Mom
The way kids act at three does mean much. I did not potty train my eleven year old until she was three and someone told me she must not be very smart because I had problems potty training her (she is know in all advanced classes in 6th grade. That same child used to call me names and hit me and she has two parents at home. She would never do that now and anyone that knows her would be shocked if they knew the way she behaved at three. Don't let that teacher get you down, you are doing a great job. We all have days (many days) that we fell like a Bad Mom, I know that I do. I took a class that helped me figure out a way to parent and that seemed to help me. I have seen you with Colin and everything seemed great. I respect single Moms so much, they have the hardest job in the world. Moms who have had several children know they are all different. If you ever need to talk I am her for you.
Diana Stodola
The more I think about this, the more upsetting it is. As you know, it is highly unprofessional for a teacher to begin a parent discussion with "I may be stepping over the line..." This is something you are taught in during your education courses. I realize she may not have formal training and/or a degree which is all the more reason why she should not offer her "expert" advice. I agree with others that you should speak with the center's director. Let her know that, yes, this teacher is WAY over the line and she needs to learn to deal with simple behavior issues on her own.
I promise not to write again, but I just hate that you had this experience...
Heidi as you know I am a three year old teacher and I am SO sorry that this lady is giving all of us a bad wrap. She was So wrong about everything she did. She needs to be very loving and sympathetic to Colin right now b/c he is new. She does not need to make any judgements about you or Colin until she has built a relationshipo with you.
For the nap time. I let my kids play with a quiet toy(dinosours,stuffed animal) or a book at the mat if they do not want to sleep. Maybe you could suggest that to her. That way he just dosen't have to sit there bored the whole time.
A little regression in Colin's pottying is normal because he is in a new place and does have to build a bond with the teachers.
Do not take her stupid comment about just the two of you. I have a lot of single parents in my class and they are some of the most amazing parents. You are a GREAT mother and it's not her place to judge you.
Hang in ther and PLEASE don't hate all Preschool teachers! Some of us do have brains(and degrees) and DO love kids and our jobs.:0)
PS Yes PLEASE talk to the director she needs to know what her staff is doing.
peace Heidi
that's pretty sad. I agree with Stephanie also. the positive that can come out of a situation like this is for the teacher to receive feedback just as she gave it.
i have no doubts that it would help her become a better teacher/person, not to mention all the future students that she will have as well as her interactions with parents of her students.
funny story...at the nuclear meltdown moment of subbing for my 1st graders yesterday, the assistant principal brought in parents who are considering the school for their children. yay for humility. today was MUCH better, no parents touring to see me as an all star sub.
lots more thoughts to share...
hard for me to refrain from psychoanalyzing the lady. i'll definitely be praying for her/all star Colin & his all star mom.
hang in there champ
First of all I would have would have asked her what her background was and then told her you were a teacher of x amount of years and that is behavior is perfectly normal for a 3 year old. You are right in every aspect to be offended and I would have went over her head or remove him until the regular teacher returns. But then again what behavior does this encourgae? That you become one of "those" parents who yanks her kid out of school every time there is a proble. When c was in Kdg. whe couldn't stand to take naps. She never like naps period , she would cry for hours. I even talked to the ped. dr. about it a nd different ways to handle it. Apparently her dad was the same way so I guess it wa heriditary! LOL. Her kdg. teacher gave her a "special" place right behind her desk becasue she couldn't even lay quietly still on her mat and ditracted the other kids. The teacher gave her books to look at while she laid on her mad behind her desk. This teacher went above and beyond and I am so thankful for her! (kuddos! to Ms. Tillman) You being the problem is not the issue, you are not the only parent out there who is raising there child alone and this lady needs to deal with it. And the fact that he didn't know his name irritates me so I think I would questioned her observations as to was she sure she was talking about Colin since she called him the wrong name 3 times? I'm sure Colin may have some issues as being and only child and not being in a daycare enviroment in awhile. It has only been you and him and he's used to doing what he wants. But he's not the only child in the world with those issues. It will always be a work in progress. It's always easier to give in than to deal with it. Beleive me i'm learning this the hard way now with my 15 years old going on 21 year old and I hate dealing with it but I have to or it will only get worse. YOu hang in there , you are doing a great job and you guys will make it thru this1
I had a similar issue with my son at preschool. I could tell that the teacher did not like my son. She did not want to deal with him. She would not help me at drop off time. Instead he would run down the hall screaming for me to take him home and not to leave him. The school asked me to pick him up after nap time because somtimes he would cry when he woke up. So I had to pick him up an hour early every day. Finally I got fed up and decided to pull him from the school. He is much happier. We are getting ready to move and I have decided to hold off on school until then. Hang in there, you know you are a good Mom. Don't let someone else make you doubt yourself. Unfortunately I do not think all teachers have the education or the calling.
I would bet this "teacher" doesn't have any children of her own. That is what 3 year olds do...also 4 year olds and 5 year olds.
Stand your ground!
Jenna's Mom
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