how can it be?

One of the hardest days for me is Colin's birthday . . . probably because Sean never lived to be apart of one . . . I always remember Colin's birth day and what a happy family we were . . . I know he would be so proud of our little bundle of joy who has more energy than one should be allowed . . . a look back at Colin from birth to each birthday party so far! Wow, has he changed! I sure miss that black hair . . .

Is he really 4? I can not believe my little boy is growing so fast!

We had the birthday party yesterday . . . I was so calm and laid back until it was time to do cake and gifts. Wow, I am not as organized as I thought. Of course the location of the party did not help by having a "Snow Day" of fun planned for anyone who visited the museum . . . it was neat but a headache if you ask me!

The boy was more excited to tear the wrapping paper than what was actually in the box. I could barely keep up with him. He really did appreciate all who came and hoped you had a fun time too! He promises I will be better organized next year!

the nerve

This article mad me sick . . . how dare someone make up a story like this to win tickets to a concert. As a person having to live with losing a husband in Iraq this makes my stomach turn . . . and those children who have really lost a parent over there . . . how terrible this mother is to even think about submitting an essay with such lies.

in with the new

and out with the old . . . it is amazing how much stuff a kid can accumulate in just a year. While the boy was watching a cartoon I quickly grabbed a bag and started 'taking away' any toy that had not been played with in a long time. You know the small ones that you step on in the middle of the night or those stupid kid meal toys. I pack them up and pull them out later in the year or donate them to a family who is less fortunate. I always feel terrible that we have so much stuff. Colin did 'donate' one of his ride-on toys since he got a bike . . . no arm twisting was required and he told me over and over that a little boy who had no toys would love his tractor Bob. It warmed my heart and I hope that he will continue to think about those who aren't so 'lucky'. We had a nice low key Christmas and of course I could not stop thinking about the last Christmas Sean and I spent together.

Oh memories are so nice but bittersweet. The boy was thrilled with his new stuff and a little hesitant with the bike even though it was one of two things he had talked about wanting forever!
The other was a race track. I had one of these as a kid and my papa and I raced all the time. It is too bad that the cars did not work and will have to make a dreaded trip back to Toys R Us this week. I am hoping he will forget and just get my money back because he has more stuff than he needs and his birthday party is in 3 days.

The weather here was just beautiful . . . good for the boy trying out his new bike but no snowflakes fell in our yard. I just pretended which was better than nothing.

I am looking forward to the New Year and hope that 2008 will bring me a much needed change in my life . . . I have been thinking about that and will blog more later. Don't get excited because it probably isn't the kind of change you are thinking.

snowflakes

I have a boring life. I spend a lot of time starring at the ceiling at night when I can't sleep. Actually I have these long conversations of what I am going to blog about but by morning I can't remember half of it. Of course most of these stories are amazing but when it comes to putting in down it is lacking. I like to plan . . . like way far in advance . . . forget that short term stuff like cleaning the house . . . last night I was thinking about what I wanted to do for my neighbors for Christmas . . . not this year but in 2008. Let me tell you what I did this year . . .

Before I left Germany I bought a ton of crystal Christmas ornaments. There are 12 houses (soon to be 14 and no more lots) on our block so I probably have enough to give each one for the next 10 years or so. Anyway, I wrapped a crystal snowflake and attached this poem:

HOPE shines anew with every star . . .

every snowflake whispers PEACE . . .

and the heart of Christmas is LOVE.

I thought it was nice, thoughtful, and went along with the ornament and then I started thinking about snowflakes. Why? November 13, 2004 was a cold, snowy, but sunny day in Germany. I needed to do some last minute shopping before Colin and I flew home across the big pond so we bundled up for a day of shopping in Weiden and Neustadt (crystal city). As I was driving we ran into a heavy snow flurry, I got this weird feeling that something was not right. It was such a strong feeling that I turned around and went back home. I had not been home a minute when the phone rang. It was Joy reading one of those dreaded prepared statements we all hated receiving. As she read it all I wanted was to hear Sean's voice, to hug him, whisper in his ear that it would be okay, my heart was hurting, I wanted to do something since I had just learned his XO (Ed) had been killed. I immediately called Jenny and told her . . . for some reason she was thinking of Sean since she knew he was in that bad city. We ended our talk, and I got busy trying to find Ed's family's' address . . . I had to do something; send flowers, a card, something. It was a long day of nothing but a heavy heart. Of course my heart would go from heavy to broken a few minutes after 5 when I got my devastating news. Many know that I was not a believer in signs (teapots) before this but something on that day when I hit that snow just did not feel right. Weird thing is that snow storm was very close to the time Sean was killed . . . at least within the hour. Now that just really makes me think, wow!

As I ended my 'amazing' conversation with myself, I thought about how amazing it would be to get a long overdue sign from Sean. Of course to see a snowflake on Christmas day would be amazing but the chances of that happening in Texas is about slim but if it does I will probably cry all day!

Wishing you

HOPE, PEACE, and LOVE

this holiday season!

elevator music

I should be at the boys school party but I have been on hold with my friends at the IRS . . .
1st call: about 27 minutes
2nd call: 1:53.41

Still no resolution so now it is time to talk to DFAS(military pay people) . . . and the system that does W-2 forms is down until Jan 22 so they can do W-2s for 2007! What a great Christmas present the IRS has given me . . . I sure hope the boy can forgive me for not being there . . .

What's my issue? Sean was issued a W-2 for 2005 and he wasn't even alive and they withheld income tax of over $1,000. I love elevator music!

little of nothing

The school Christmas program . . . before it started one of the directors said that it would be "Organized Chaos" but I have named it "Total Disaster"! The boy is in the front row, navy shirt and Santa hat . . .

The reward for him singing and being very good . . . nothing like a dipped cone from Dairy Queen!

A last minute trip to College Station before Christmas . . .

. . . I wonder what Colin is thinking in these photos. I know someday he will be able to express his feelings but really do you think he understands? Today I had the feeling of finally wanting to get the headstone ordered so early next year it is at the top of my list! I can't believe this will be our fourth Christmas since Sean died. It seems like yesterday my uncle and I made the first visit to the cemetery on Christmas Eve 2004. It was a hard visit since it was the first but one I had to make. I am just amazed at how time has passed by me.

mail

I have really enjoyed all the Christmas cards that have been arriving in our mailbox! I love photos . . . I love to see how people have changed and children have grown. I am always running late on getting that perfect shot . . . you know that means it takes at least 50 that are not worth sending. In 2006, I never made it but this year we did it early. It wasn't the best but this is what we ended up with . . .

Of course there were a couple returned because people move so often in the military and several I wanted to send cards that I had no clue of your address so here is your email card . . . sort of tacky but maybe next year I will have located you, LOL!

I already know what I want to do next year . . . I want to make the cards like I did in 2005 but with a different message of course. And here are the out takes of the little stinker . . . all these happened in about 3 minutes . . .

plans

I am a planner. I like to know when I am leaving, where I am going, and the list goes on. I like routine . . . well, except when it comes to Colin and bed which is terrible. I had it all planned for a trip to a birthday party in Austin this morning. I knew when we were leaving and what I was taking but what I did not plan on was having a kid throw up on me over and over from midnight to 7am. Very little sleeping going on here. I mean I could not wash linens fast enough and you can not imagine how bad I smelled, but I managed. I finally resorted to getting the blow up sleeping bag and having him sleep in the bathroom floor. At one point he was curled up next to the toilet on the floor; poor little guy was not feeling well at all. It took me over an hour to clean all the vomit up off the wall, toilet, and tile . . . it was bad and all this was just after midnight. He was so thirsty and the water came right back up. Never ran a fever so I think it had to be something he ate. He is better now, a little white washed but happy to have his Papa hold him and spoil him (like he needed a reason). At 745 I finally called my mom for some help . . . how in the world would I manage completely alone? I managed to sneak in a 2 hour nap too so I am somewhat rested for the block Christmas party tonight . . . yawn!

I guess it could be worse, I talked to Jenny last night and they have been without power since Tuesday . . . can you imagine two little ones and no power! I know several of you are in that same area with this winter storm . . . thinking of you all and sending better weather soon!

"Cannon-balling"

The bowling birthday part was a lot of fun. Colin bowled with 4 other almost four year olds . . . four boys and a girl. He had a blast and all he has talked about was going "cannon-balling" again. I would correct him and tell him it was bowling but he had his mind made up.

Why can't I remember that red-eye button on the camera?

catch up

I was doing so good at posting every couple of days and then BAM, I got side tracked. It seems everyone I know had a baby in December so we have been making the rounds to birthday parties. It also looks like new baby Sims (not mine) will be born this month too. Colin will round out the month with his party . . . every party we go to he says, "is this my party?" He has been a good sport so hopefully he will have a blast at his party!

I have been finishing my shopping and found two amazing products yesterday . . . can't post yet but let me say I love them. I know this because I also bought them for myself. One is edible and the other smells. The edible one comes from a mom and pop shop in a very small town and just to die for, really it is that good!

Birthday Party and Christmas Cards are in the mail . . . last year neither happened so I am proud of myself. Of course there are many of you blogging friends out there that I had no idea as to your address so I hope a virtual card will do later this month . . . then there are those of you out there that are still lucky enough to move every year so hope I found you too! Really, you are lucky even if you don't think so! Moving is a pain but you have to admit it was sort of fun! I mean who gets to live in Germany at some one elses expense?

Off to a bowling party . . . could not find my steel toe shoes or helmet because four year old kids bowling should be hilarious and dangerous too!

Advent Calendar

I never had one of these things as a kid but Colin has had once since last year. A good friend made this for Colin . . .

. . . pretty cool and the story of it getting from Germany to America via an airplane carry on luggage is even more amazing. As you can tell it is big and everything on there is made by hand. It is just amazing. Alex even sent great little German gifts for each bag and since I am still trying to achieve 'mother-of-the-year' all the stuff this year is from the Playmobil Advent Calendar which is pretty cool too. I quickly learned last year to only put out one bag at a time because a two/three year old does not get opening only one a day. Maybe it will be motivation to go to bed at night but I fear a very early wake up call.

The season also reminds me of my all time favorite Advent Calendar . . . Kinder Egg . . . I became hooked in 2000 when Faye, a fellow teacher, would do one with her class by drawing a name each day. The fifth graders loved it and so did I. If you are not familiar with Kinder Eggs; they are a chocolate egg that has a yellow plastic 'yolk' inside. Inside of that there is a small toy you put together . . . let me just say you will be addicted and feel like a kid!

By the way, second time has been a charm so far on the redo of the Christmas lights.